


"When You're in Prison..."

by fyredancer



Category: Tokio Hotel
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, ooc, shortfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-24
Updated: 2014-01-24
Packaged: 2018-01-09 20:30:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1150475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fyredancer/pseuds/fyredancer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bill's been mulling over the situation and he wants Tom to know he's got his back. Well, if that's what Tom wants.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"When You're in Prison..."

**Author's Note:**

> Title from a song by "The Offspring," scenario inspired by Tom's run-in with German law after a stalking incident gone bad. This is in very poor taste but no offense intended! Just stupid humor.

"Tom," Bill said, placing a delicate hand on Tom's forearm. "I'm worried about your anal virginity."

Tom shrugged off his brother's hand and gave him an irritated look. "Bill, what the hell are you talking about?"

"Prison," Bill said, giving him a look in response that was both doe-eyed and dramatic. "We've seen Oz and Prison Break, Tom; neither of us are naîve. What's the first thing that springs to mind when you think of prison?"

"Uh, not going there?" Tom said pointedly.

"Then you shouldn't have punched Perrine," Bill said, dropping into the kitchen chair beside him. A considering look crossed his face. "Or you should have punched her a _lot_ harder."

"Get to the point, Bill," Tom groaned, knowing his brother had one, from the suppressed mischief in his dark eyes, the barely contained vibrancy in his limbs.

"Well, I know you've been saving your butt-cherry for me..." Bill began.

"What!?" Tom exclaimed, coming as close to the cartoon standard of jaw-dropping shock as human flesh could manage. "God, Bill, why would you even say that?"

"What, butt-cherry? I heard you saying it a while ago...never mind. Well, obviously because if you, the sex god, haven't peformed a sexual act as popular as anal you're saving it for someone exceptional, someone perfect...ergo, me."

"Jesus, Bill, do you even know how our court system works?" Tom demanded, flicking a loose handful of braids over one shoulder.

"No, but neither do you," Bill pointed out, flashing his tongue stud at Tom as he gave him a raspberry.

Tom inhaled and counseled himself to patience. "Bill," he said. "Remember that flowchart Jost showed us a few days ago?"

Bill gave him a look of blank incomprehension.

Tom rubbed both hands over his forehead, then met his brother's eyes with a look of weary patience. "The big piece of paper with all of the pictures and squiggly lines?"

"Oh, Jost's pictures," Bill said, flicking his nails dismissively at Tom. "They needed more glitter. And colored markers. I keep telling him, he needs glitter pens, but he won't..."

"Whatever," Tom interrupted. "Remember the little box that said Tom's case will be dismissed because of the way our suit against Perrine was settled?"

Bill blinked at him a few times, appearing puzzled, then said, "The little box didn't say 'That Dirty, Stupid, Stalking Bitch,' so I didn't realize it referred to Perrine."

Tom sighed. "Okay. Okay, Bill, what was the point of all this again?"

Bill clapped his hands together in several short, quick claps, looking delighted. "I'm so glad you reminded me! Tom, because you're going to jail, you're going to lose your backdoor hymen, so I figured now was the time to approach you about culminating that aspect of our forbidden love, at last." He folded his hands together and looked at Tom with expectant eyes.

Tom stared at him.

Bill stared back, unblinking.

One of the dogs nosed at Tom's knee and Tom ignored her. At last, bored, she went to find a squeak-toy with more interactive capability.

"God damn it, Bill!" Tom burst out. "Let's get a couple of things straight, all right!?"

Bill snickered.

Tom ignored him and plowed doggedly onward. "I am not going to prison! I appear in court--"

"You'll look so good in a suit," Bill said, starry-eyed.

"—in a closed courtroom before the judge long enough to get the case dismissed, and there will be maybe thirty days community service, at _most,_ " Tom declared with a broad wave of his hand. "No prison!"

Bill scrunched his face up in a frown. "Are you sure?" he said dubiously.

"As sure as I am about the other thing, which is that nothing is going up my ass. Nothing. _Nothing._ **NOTHING.** Not fingers, not a tongue, not a dildo, not the soap, and certainly _not_ another man's dick," Tom stated, giving Bill one hundred percent eye contact to make sure he knew he was really, truly serious.

Bill leaned back and looked disappointed.

Tom let out the breath he'd been holding and gave him a firm nod.

Bill opened his mouth.

Tom leveled a finger at him. " _Nothing,_ " he re-emphasized.

Bill's brow furrowed in that way that only ever spelled trouble for Tom. Sometimes Georg, if Tom wasn't available. "But you don't want to die an ass-virgin, do you?"

"Damn it, Bill!" Tom exploded. "Just because I used that line on you..."

"...and I bought it..." Bill interjected tearfully.

"Doesn't mean I'm going to let you in there," Tom finished, setting his chin stubbornly.

The twins subsided into silence, glaring at one another. Bill folded his arms and turned his chair away.

"Tom," Bill began.

"No!" Tom exclaimed, getting up from his chair and shoving it back to the table with more force than was strictly necessary. "Not even if you sucked my dick for a solid week!"

Bill sniffed, affronted. "Tom?" he spoke up again, as Tom walked out of the kitchen.

"Yeah," Tom said, staying on the threshold without turning around. He was wary of Bill's long-perfected woobie eyes.

"You better remember not to drop the soap. _Ever._ "

Tom blinked, shook his head, and decided that the safest thing to do was go about his business without comment. With Bill, the old phrase, 'can't win for losing' definitely applied.


End file.
